What I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7 My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots; one hung on each end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house.Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. However, the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the Water Bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The Water Bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. Nevertheless, at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again, it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That is because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you have watered them. For two years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. However, if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table.

by Willy McNamara

Blondes & Cops

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! You're hired! But, how in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,” Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Refining us as Pure Silver

Article and exhortation from an un-know author.
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There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came cross verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what his statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot -- then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

This story is especially meaningful to those of us who may be in the hottest part of the flame right now. To know that God has! his eyes fixed on those he is refining and cannot be distracted is most comforting! Nothing that happens in your life goes unnoticed by the Father.....most comforting. He is aware of all and guess what? He's on your side!!

The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, meekness, temperance and faithfulness. We are told that the mark of a true Christian does not lie in his works, but that we will know them by their fruit! Here we must also remember that this is HIS fruit, not ours.....the fruit of the Spirit....that word is capitalized in the Bible....His Spirit.....through us....to others.

What an awesome responsibility that is! Whenever I find myself in the "hottest flame," I just instinctively look at the "fruit" list...."What fruit is my Lord trying to bring forth in me now?" Every day He presents to me situations that require me to be gentle.....kind.....patient, etc. I've gotten to where I look for them now and rejoice when they come! I'm sure we've all at some time or another asked the question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" or more specifically "God's people?" I don't ask anymore....I just know.

How else can He perfect in us the fruit of the Spirit unless obstacles are presented? Sometimes it's in small ways, but very powerful; sometimes in much deeper ways....painful even. It's during these times I hope you will remember one thing from this devotional today.... "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it."

This is for You

I said a prayer for you today

And know God must have heard.

I felt the answer in my heart

Although He spoke not a word.

I didn’t ask for wealth or fame

(I know you wouldn’t mind)

I asked for priceless treasures rare

Of a more lasting kind.

I prayed that He’d be near you

at the start of each new day.

To grant you health and blessings fair,

and friends to share the way.

I asked for happiness for you

in all things great and small.

But that you’d know His loving care

I prayed for most of all.

Retarded Grandparents

I received this in an e-mail today, thought it was a funny. I don't know if it was actually reported by a teacher or someone's play on words, though the use of the word retarded can be insulting I decided to post it anyway. So, enjoy :)

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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can b e retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
...PRICELESS

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.

So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.