On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
~Author Unknown
Showing posts with label Just for fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just for fun. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Before You Decide to Have Kids...
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
What I Owe My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7 My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7 My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Retarded Grandparents
I received this in an e-mail today, thought it was a funny. I don't know if it was actually reported by a teacher or someone's play on words, though the use of the word retarded can be insulting I decided to post it anyway. So, enjoy :)
*********************************************************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can b e retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
...PRICELESS
*********************************************************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can b e retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
...PRICELESS
Monday, September 28, 2009
Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my butt,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.
Monday, July 20, 2009
45 Lessons Life Taught Me
By Regina Brett.
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25 No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27 Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
I looked it up on snopes and this is correctly attributed.
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25 No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27 Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
I looked it up on snopes and this is correctly attributed.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Toddler's Creed
by Dr. Burton L. White
If I want it,
IT'S MINE!
If it's in my hand, it's mine
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
IT'S MINE!
If I can take it away from you,
IT'S MINE!
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
If it's mine it will never belong to anybody else,
No matter what.
If we are building something together,
All the pieces are mine!
If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way
If it looks just like mine,
IT'S MINE!
If I think it's mine, it's mine
If it breaks or needs putting away,
IT'S YOURS!
If I want it,
IT'S MINE!
If it's in my hand, it's mine
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
IT'S MINE!
If I can take it away from you,
IT'S MINE!
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
If it's mine it will never belong to anybody else,
No matter what.
If we are building something together,
All the pieces are mine!
If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way
If it looks just like mine,
IT'S MINE!
If I think it's mine, it's mine
If it breaks or needs putting away,
IT'S YOURS!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Bucket List
Things you have done during your lifetime:
( ) Gone on a blind date
( ) Skipped school (sorry mom!)
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
( ) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
( ) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Swam in the ocean
( ) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
( ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
( ) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
( ) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
( ) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
( ) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
( ) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
( ) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
( ) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Basketball Association game
( ) Gone on a blind date
( ) Skipped school (sorry mom!)
( ) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
( ) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
( ) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Swam in the ocean
( ) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang Karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
( ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
( ) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
( ) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
( ) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
( ) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
( ) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
( ) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
( ) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Basketball Association game
Monday, December 22, 2008
A Mom's Christmas List
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache, and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
MOM
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache, and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
MOM
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Personality Test
There are only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper and keep track of your letter answers.
1. When do you feel your best?
A) In the morning
B) During the afternoon and early evening
C) Late at night
2. You usually walk
A) Fairly fast, with long steps
B) Fairly fast, but with short, quick steps
C) Less fast, head up, looking the world in the face
D) Less fast, head down
E) Very slowly
3. When talking to people, you
A) Stand with your arms folded
B) Have your hands clasped
C) Have one or both your hands on your hips
D) Touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) Play with your ear, touch or chin or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with
A) Your knees bent and your legs neatly side by side
B) You legs crossed
C) Your legs stretched out or straight
D) One leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with
A) A big, appreciative laugh
B) A laugh, but not a loud one
C) A quiet chuckle
D) A sheepsih smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you
A) Make a loud entrance so everyon enotices you
B) Make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) Make a quiet entrance and try to stay unnoticed
7. You are working hard, concentrating hard. You are interruped. You
A) Welcome the break
B) Feel extremely irritated
C) Vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most
A) Red or Orange
B) Black
C) Yellow or Light Blue
D) Green
E) Dark blue or purple
F) White
G) Brown or Gray
9. When you sleep, you lie
A) Stretched out on your back
B) Stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) With your head on one arm
E) With your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are
A) Falling
B) Fighting or struggling
C) Searching for something or somebody
D) Flying or floating
E) You usually have dreamless sleep
F) Your dreams are always pleasant
Points:
1. A)2 B)4 C)6
2. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)2 E)1
3. A)4 B)6 C)2 D)1 E)5
4. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)5 E)2
5. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)2
6. A)6 B)2 C)4
7. A)6 B)7 C)5 D)4 E)3 F)2 G)1
8. A)7 B)6 C)4 D)2 E)1
9. A)4 B)2 C)3 D)5 E)6 F)1
10.A)2 B)1 C)4 D)6 E)7 F)8
Over 60 Points
You are seen as a vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you, but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply involved with you.
From 51-60 Points
Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
From 41-50 Points
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who is constantly on the move. Also as kind, considerate and understanding. Someone who will cheer them up and help them out.
From 31-40 Points
Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. The see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but , equally, that it takes a long time to get over it if that trust is broken.
From 21-30 Points
Your friends see you as painstaking an d fussy. The see you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every side and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction on your part is cause partly by your careful nature.
Under 21 Points
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs to be looked after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. The see you as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you are boring. Only the people the know you well know that you aren't.
1. When do you feel your best?
A) In the morning
B) During the afternoon and early evening
C) Late at night
2. You usually walk
A) Fairly fast, with long steps
B) Fairly fast, but with short, quick steps
C) Less fast, head up, looking the world in the face
D) Less fast, head down
E) Very slowly
3. When talking to people, you
A) Stand with your arms folded
B) Have your hands clasped
C) Have one or both your hands on your hips
D) Touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E) Play with your ear, touch or chin or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with
A) Your knees bent and your legs neatly side by side
B) You legs crossed
C) Your legs stretched out or straight
D) One leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with
A) A big, appreciative laugh
B) A laugh, but not a loud one
C) A quiet chuckle
D) A sheepsih smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you
A) Make a loud entrance so everyon enotices you
B) Make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) Make a quiet entrance and try to stay unnoticed
7. You are working hard, concentrating hard. You are interruped. You
A) Welcome the break
B) Feel extremely irritated
C) Vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most
A) Red or Orange
B) Black
C) Yellow or Light Blue
D) Green
E) Dark blue or purple
F) White
G) Brown or Gray
9. When you sleep, you lie
A) Stretched out on your back
B) Stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) With your head on one arm
E) With your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are
A) Falling
B) Fighting or struggling
C) Searching for something or somebody
D) Flying or floating
E) You usually have dreamless sleep
F) Your dreams are always pleasant
Points:
1. A)2 B)4 C)6
2. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)2 E)1
3. A)4 B)6 C)2 D)1 E)5
4. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)5 E)2
5. A)6 B)4 C)3 D)2
6. A)6 B)2 C)4
7. A)6 B)7 C)5 D)4 E)3 F)2 G)1
8. A)7 B)6 C)4 D)2 E)1
9. A)4 B)2 C)3 D)5 E)6 F)1
10.A)2 B)1 C)4 D)6 E)7 F)8
Over 60 Points
You are seen as a vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you, but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply involved with you.
From 51-60 Points
Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to make decisions (though not always the right ones). They see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
From 41-50 Points
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who is constantly on the move. Also as kind, considerate and understanding. Someone who will cheer them up and help them out.
From 31-40 Points
Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. The see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but , equally, that it takes a long time to get over it if that trust is broken.
From 21-30 Points
Your friends see you as painstaking an d fussy. The see you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every side and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction on your part is cause partly by your careful nature.
Under 21 Points
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs to be looked after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. The see you as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you are boring. Only the people the know you well know that you aren't.
101 Fun Date Ideas
1. Go for a walk
2. Have a picnic
3. Go camping
4. Build a puzzle
5. Play soccer
6. Fly kites
7. Visit the zoo
8. Go swimming
9. Climb Trees
10. Make cars out of boxes and have a drive-in movie at home
11. Go for a bike ride
12. Plant a garden
13. Go to the skate park
14. Roller skating
15. Have relay races
16. Go to the library
17. Watch home movies
18. Build a tree house
19. Have a snowball fight
20. Play kickball
21. Go bowling
22. Have a garage sale
23. Visit historical sites
24. Go for a hike in the mountains
25. Have a car wash
26. Act out your favorite movie
27. Horseback riding
28. Go fishing
29. Play croquet
30. Make treats for a neighbor
31. Cut pictures from magazines and make a collage
32. Visit temple square
33. Plant a flower garden
34. Go to the beach
35. Play frisbee
36. Go ice skating
37. Have a bicycle rodeo
38. Play volleyball
39. Make a miniature gold course
40. Go for ice cream
41. Make ice cream
42. Have a scavenger hunt
43. Visit a museum
44. Play softball
45. Make instruments and have a band
46. Have a fashion show
47. Play board games
48. Make and pull homemade taffy
49. Have a water fight
50. Go to the rodeo
51. Make home videos
52. Plan a party
53. Go river tubing
54. Have a road rally
55. Hold a story hour
56. Go sledding
57. Play football
58. Make boats out of things around the house then try them out
59. Put on a puppet show
60. Go to the fair
61. Go miniature golfing
62. Play water balloon volleyball
63. Make lemonade and sell it
64. Birthday parties
65. Have a pet show
66. Go Christmas caroling
67. Go paint balling
68. Visit the pet store
69. cook a dutch oven dinner
70. have a pillow fight
71. make salt dough ornaments
72. have a date bake-off
73. tie-dye shirts
74. Go to local sporting events
75. Finger painting
76. Eat dinner without silverware
77. Go dancing
78. Have a water balloon fight
79. Go to musical concerts
80. Make ginger bread houses
81. Rake leaves and jump in them
82. Have a karioke night
83. Do a creative service project
84. Make homemade Easter baskets
85. Make popsicle stick crafts
86. Put on a dinner show
87. Photo scavenger hunt
88. Make house out of refrigerator boxes
89. Hold "Teacher Appreciation Dinners"
90. Make your own Halloween costumes
91. Put together a box of items for a family in need
92. Make dinner together
93. Make sidewalk art with chalk
94. Go to a play
95. Movie marathon, you pick the movies
96. Have a magic show
97. Make holiday treats
98. Build a snowman
99. Shovel the neighbor's snow
100. Go for a drive and play road games or sing songs
101. Have a watermelon eating contest
2. Have a picnic
3. Go camping
4. Build a puzzle
5. Play soccer
6. Fly kites
7. Visit the zoo
8. Go swimming
9. Climb Trees
10. Make cars out of boxes and have a drive-in movie at home
11. Go for a bike ride
12. Plant a garden
13. Go to the skate park
14. Roller skating
15. Have relay races
16. Go to the library
17. Watch home movies
18. Build a tree house
19. Have a snowball fight
20. Play kickball
21. Go bowling
22. Have a garage sale
23. Visit historical sites
24. Go for a hike in the mountains
25. Have a car wash
26. Act out your favorite movie
27. Horseback riding
28. Go fishing
29. Play croquet
30. Make treats for a neighbor
31. Cut pictures from magazines and make a collage
32. Visit temple square
33. Plant a flower garden
34. Go to the beach
35. Play frisbee
36. Go ice skating
37. Have a bicycle rodeo
38. Play volleyball
39. Make a miniature gold course
40. Go for ice cream
41. Make ice cream
42. Have a scavenger hunt
43. Visit a museum
44. Play softball
45. Make instruments and have a band
46. Have a fashion show
47. Play board games
48. Make and pull homemade taffy
49. Have a water fight
50. Go to the rodeo
51. Make home videos
52. Plan a party
53. Go river tubing
54. Have a road rally
55. Hold a story hour
56. Go sledding
57. Play football
58. Make boats out of things around the house then try them out
59. Put on a puppet show
60. Go to the fair
61. Go miniature golfing
62. Play water balloon volleyball
63. Make lemonade and sell it
64. Birthday parties
65. Have a pet show
66. Go Christmas caroling
67. Go paint balling
68. Visit the pet store
69. cook a dutch oven dinner
70. have a pillow fight
71. make salt dough ornaments
72. have a date bake-off
73. tie-dye shirts
74. Go to local sporting events
75. Finger painting
76. Eat dinner without silverware
77. Go dancing
78. Have a water balloon fight
79. Go to musical concerts
80. Make ginger bread houses
81. Rake leaves and jump in them
82. Have a karioke night
83. Do a creative service project
84. Make homemade Easter baskets
85. Make popsicle stick crafts
86. Put on a dinner show
87. Photo scavenger hunt
88. Make house out of refrigerator boxes
89. Hold "Teacher Appreciation Dinners"
90. Make your own Halloween costumes
91. Put together a box of items for a family in need
92. Make dinner together
93. Make sidewalk art with chalk
94. Go to a play
95. Movie marathon, you pick the movies
96. Have a magic show
97. Make holiday treats
98. Build a snowman
99. Shovel the neighbor's snow
100. Go for a drive and play road games or sing songs
101. Have a watermelon eating contest
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Birth Order of Children
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. -love this one
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Baby clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappy changing:
1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. -love this one
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Baby clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappy changing:
1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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